I know that Mother's Day is past, but I feel the need to reflect on mine. This Mother's Day, 2018, was very kinky. Yes, I do realize that my children, perhaps grandchildren, may read this, but I do believe that I am a person of many experiences and am known to be authentic in living them all. So, it is only fitting that I come forth and reveal the secret side of my life--on this, the most auspicious holidays that women have to call their own.
Now, I will tell you right now that I know all about 'Fifty Shades of Gray'. I am living it. I pay good money every six weeks for the gray to be transformed to a brown, shade that---let's call him, 'Joe'--fulfills at my request. See? I know all about that book. I saw it on my daughter's kitchen counter some years back. I picked it up out of curiosity, and she snapped it away and said, "Oh....you won't like that book..." and slid it over under the bills and the grandsons' school papers. Of course I HAD to read it ! But.... I never got to it. Earning my shades of gray kept me too busy to indulge in some erotic reading. (Well now, I did read the reviews....)
But I digress. You are all hanging on to see what Deb Hall is going to divulge about her kinky holiday. Well, it started at the Home Depot. I mean, if you are single and want to meet guys, the hardware is the second place after a bar, I guess. I don't drink, but I do water my grass. And I really didn't go there to meet a guy. I've had guys. There are nice decorations, but dusting them off gets a bit monotonous. I prefer rosebushes, you know, thorny over horny. Just sayin....
So...I saunter in with my ad and purchase a new garden hose. Now....don't go all Kinsey Sex Institute on me and read some Freudian thing into that purchase. It didn't need batteries or anything: I just needed a hose that did NOT kink up. If you don't know what I mean-stop reading. I needed a great hose that laid flat and did not get all knotted up every ten inches. Or six. Anyway...this hose was deemed, "Industrial. Kink-free." Wow. They had me at "Hello....I'm Kink-free and on sale."
Took this baby home and got to work. Screwed it in and turned the spigot on. That baby bulged and came to life! I was in ecstasy. Until I got that hose into the most perfect position-- and then it happened: KINK. And another. And yet, another!!!! This new industrial, kink-free piece of crap was worse than the cheap one I picked up at the Dollar General last fall.
See what I mean? A kinky Mother's Day. I had bought the mother of all worthless hoses, proving that this was not my day.
I got my revenge and bought a steel, slithery, hose that was shown on TV. Wouldn't know. Don't have a T.V. But I DO have a rugged, muscular, sturdy, and undeniably kink-free, man-o-war, garden hose.
This is one mama who is all shades of happy.....gray and otherwise.