Thursday, May 17, 2018

Mother's Day: Mine was Kinda About Yours?

I know that Mother's Day is past, but I feel the need to reflect on mine. This Mother's Day, 2018, was very kinky. Yes, I do realize that my children, perhaps grandchildren, may read this, but I do believe that I am a person of many experiences and am known to be authentic in living them all. So, it is only fitting that I come forth and reveal the secret side of my life--on this, the most auspicious holidays that women have to call their own.

Now, I will tell you right now that I know all about 'Fifty Shades of Gray'. I am living it. I pay good money every six weeks for the gray to be transformed to a brown, shade that---let's call him, 'Joe'--fulfills at my request. See? I know all about that book. I saw it on my daughter's kitchen counter some years back. I picked it up out of curiosity, and she snapped it away and said, " won't like that book..." and slid it over under the bills and the grandsons' school papers. Of course I HAD to read it ! But.... I never got to it. Earning my shades of gray kept me too busy to indulge in some erotic reading. (Well now, I did read the reviews....)

But I digress. You are all hanging on to see what Deb Hall is going to divulge about her kinky holiday. Well,  it started at the Home Depot. I mean, if you are single and want to meet guys, the hardware is the second place after a bar, I guess. I don't drink, but I do water my grass. And I really didn't go there to meet a guy. I've had guys. There are nice decorations, but dusting them off gets a bit monotonous. I prefer rosebushes, you know, thorny over horny. Just sayin....

So...I saunter in with my ad and purchase a new garden hose. Now....don't go all Kinsey Sex Institute on me and read some Freudian thing into that purchase. It didn't need batteries or anything: I just needed a hose that did NOT kink up. If you don't know what I mean-stop reading. I needed a great hose that laid flat and did not get all knotted up every ten inches. Or six. Anyway...this hose was deemed, "Industrial. Kink-free." Wow. They had me at "Hello....I'm Kink-free and on sale."

Took this baby home and got to work. Screwed it in and  turned the spigot on. That baby bulged and came to life! I was in ecstasy. Until I got that hose into the most perfect position-- and then it happened: KINK. And another. And yet, another!!!! This new industrial, kink-free piece of crap was worse than the cheap one I picked up at the Dollar General last fall.

See what I mean? A kinky Mother's Day. I had bought the mother of all worthless hoses, proving that this was not my day.

I got my revenge and bought a steel, slithery, hose that was shown on TV. Wouldn't know. Don't have a T.V. But I DO have a rugged, muscular, sturdy, and undeniably kink-free, man-o-war, garden hose.


This is one mama who is all shades of happy.....gray and otherwise.